The station announcer spoke
to all the New Year listeners of the top rated RAAT radio news corporation,
“Now it is the long-awaited New Year’s eve show coming live from the modern 7
story party venue that will wow the world for 30 years to come, World it is my
pleasure, and my wife can verify that, to introduce you to Gladstone Ferry and
the man the women want and their husbands want to kill, Haaaaank Mingefield.”
As the station switch over
took a short time to link up, the silent static filled the homes of millions of
Hank fans and even more fans of modern radio music, the static crackle hissed
and snapped to the Live Broadcast, “Welcome all you groovy listeners out there
on the modern virtual air waves, this is Hank Mingefield your guide through to
next year and the next big thing. It is December thirty-first in the year
eighteen hundred and sixty-nine and I am here for the inaugural trip on the
Gladstone Ferry. Firstly and because I am being paid more than fifteen dollars
to be your MC at tonight’s ceremony I need to say a thank you to our sponsors
and the owners of Gladstone Ferry – Party until 1899, Gladstone Hooter. Now a
word from the man himself, Mr Hooter, what inspired you to sink a great deal of
your fortune into the extremely large paddle steamer with a deck for every
musical taste. I can even see you have set up a deck completely for one of your
other major businesses, Hooters bar and gentleman’s lounge in every major city for
every gentleman’s needs. Tell me Mr Hooter how did this all come about?” Hank
finished his monologue and looked at Gladstone Hooter and nodded, Gladstone
looked down towards the Microphone and lowered his head to it and said,
“Firstly Hank, can you not say the word sink
in context with my boat again she might get a little nervous. As for my reason
why, well my wife is the reason why, god rest her soul, she made my life such a
misery for so many years, bitch, when she passed on I thought what better way to
take her family fortune than to piss it all up the wall. I accidentally knocked
a spittoon over bent over to pick it up, on my way back to my almost standing
position, I banged my head on the bar I was perching against and presto The
Hooters brand was born. Something special happened to me after having a Hooters
Gentleman’s Lounge in every state, I wanted to have something new, something
never seen before so I dreamed up the Gladstone Ferry Music Festival. Sitting
on the water and travelling around, the weather can’t harm it. Most up to date
bands, new emerging talent and a lot of stuff you wouldn’t expect and only
seeing it is believing it.”
Hank continued, “Thank you Gladstone, the man behind the
Hooters Gentleman’s Lounge” Gladstone replied, “Thank you Hank.” Hank walked
towards the boat and continued with the broadcast, “Follow me now as we climb
on board the paddle steamer that will, I am sure, become what the future can
only describe it as simply the best and most advanced music festival of all
time. As we climb the ramp from the dock on this very cool and clear night I
thank Gladstone Hooter for putting this floating boat of excitement on the
Mississippi and not somewhere a lot colder at this time of year. First thing
that greets you is your staff, giving you notice and advice when needed, thank
you sailor. Ooooh that is important, a big flashing red neon sign stating Please DO NOT fire your guns when there is a
ceiling above your head. That is comforting For all you listeners out there
in the comfort of your own home all I can say is seeing is believing, Yeeeha;
Just so I will keep you tuned in and listening to your number one rated radio station
in the world, coming up before midnight we have an interview with not one but
two of the top bands around I will be talking to Stroke Gently from the Skin
Bashers and I will be taking five with the five from Bar Fighters. We will be
back after this word from our sponsors.”
Many radios all over the nation
cracked and awaiting the jingling chimes of washing soda adverts, the buzzing
beeps of telegraphic companies who have the budgets to purchase twenty-second
jingles on the most sought after radio show that can be heard adorning the
modern technical airwaves. The radio crackled again the static pricked the ears
of every listener and Hank kicked in again, “Welcome back all you lovely
listeners, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you half the things this amazing
boat has to offer the New Year revellers. But now with me I have Stroke Gently
who is the lead stick master with Skin Bashers Hello Stroke”
Stroke said, “Hello Hank,
before we start, have you been to the toilets here?” And Hank shook his head,
“And for all the listeners out there in Radio land Hank shook his head ever the
professional, well you should go and see the toilet Hank because did you know
that when you put your hands under the taps they come on automatically, water
shoots out onto your hands and when you move away they turn themselves off.”
Hank then chirped in saying, “Listeners I did shake my head to you all on live
radio but Stroke caught me off guard with his less than rock and roll question
about the toilets on a paddle steamer on the most party of party nights. Stroke
it is almost the eighteen seventies you know everything is moving on. Digression
has meant we need to move on now the midnight hour is almost upon us and I
think you are a little dull for our listeners out there, Stroke Gently from the
Skin Bashers it has been your pleasure. Ladies and gentleman let me walk you
around the bits of the steamer that lie between here and my next interview. We
are still on the middle deck, below us there are two decks one where the
lighting is dim the wheels of steel are spun by none other than the Unsocial
Techno Wrangler, the happening sounds and underground breaks are played and
people dance around very quick and look like they are stacking the shelves in
your local twenty-four hour supermarket with cardboard boxes. The other of the
two has something that I have never heard of and don’t particularly want to
hear about, it is the tribute stage all about fakers singing the songs of the
groups they most admire. Playing right now and I can hear them are ZZ Toppers,
figure that out. We climb the stairs to the live triangle stage where I can see
my next interviewees just getting ready for the performance. Ladies and
Gentleman I am side stage with Dave Growls and the Bar Fighters.”
Hank:
Dave it is a new venue that
only has the future to blame, how does it feel for you and the group to be
playing this event?
Dave:
Hank this is the bomb, I am
so happy to headline the pre midnight crowd and seeing in the new year and the
new decade, as you can see this deck is full and there are people trying to fit
through the tiny windows.
Hank:
How much are you switching up
the set lists for tonight?
Dave:
Well Hank we have these new
electrical guitars so some blasting solos and duelling between two of us and
every night is different. It’s really about reading an audience. I think it’s
important that they understand that it’s not like a Broadway show or a video
game, it’s human and it’s real.
Hank:
We have only one minute left
before you start and the audience go mental, what does the next decade have in
store for you and your team?
Dave (With a growl):
We are touring for three
years and a new CD coming out in January and I think we are just going to get
the stage from gig to gig and enjoy what the audience gives us.
Hank:
Your last word?
Dave:
Visit our website for updates
@ www.barfighters.com for all the latest updates and a regular podcast, come to
the show your money will be well spent.
Hank:
Guys if only we had more time
but you have two songs from your set before midnight and then I will on stage
with you to count down the New Year and you will continue afterwards, best of
luck to you all.
Dave:
Hank a pleasure and see you
in ten minutes.
“As you all can hear, now the
audience for the Bar Fighters are making a noise that can’t be mistaken, you
can listen to the next two songs with me hear and the New Year will then be
upon us. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bar Fighters.” Hank announced and held out
his microphone to the stage so the audience in the radio land could get the
music directly into their homes live for the very first time ever. Every now
and again Hank brought the microphone back to his mouth to show how excited he
really is. As the second song was coming to the end and the stroke of midnight
is looming Hank walked on stage, “Dave can you help me with the New Year
countdown, Ladies and Gentlemen we have fifteen seconds” the guitars played to
the countdown flitting from one to the other, the 10 second point came and
everyone followed the big screen as the number ten appeared and turned to nine,
eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, the guitars built up to the point
when Hank was in hysterics, “TWO, ONE” Hank launched himself into the air and
over the audience as they carried him from the front and he said, “Happy New
Year world in it now 1870 here on the Mississippi, you have been brilliant. ”
the guitars thrashing loudly in the back ground and from one to another the
audience passed Hank Mingefield to the back of the room away from the stage as
he still shouted, “Happy New Year, 1870. I have been Hank Mingefield for RAAT News
Corporation in association with Hooters Gentleman’s Lounge, gentlemen lounge
all over the world. I will now pass over to my personal friend and colleague
who will guide you through the rest of the night, Fearne Cottonpicker, the
painted goddess. Fearne” the last words echoed throughout the radio waves all
over the world as the crowd threw Hank to the floor at the back of the room
whilst the Bar Fighters started their hard-core new year’s set.
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